Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
