How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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