How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
