K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
