At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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