when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
