I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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