just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
