If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
