Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
