she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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