Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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