I can text with my tongue
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
