what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Your penis caused this!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
