it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
