I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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