My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
