you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
