I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
