I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
