Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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