so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
