yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
