She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
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We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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