I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I party with great urgency now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
