if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
