So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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