My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Randomize
