it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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