Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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