One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
