I wish they made helmets for livers.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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