I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
