We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
