So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
