just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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