you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
