This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
