If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.