you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
