I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me