I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
