Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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