I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
