the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
