I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
