oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
