tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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