This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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