The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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