Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
