Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
