i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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