It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
