My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
