I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
