Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
