saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
