Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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