If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
i need some magic done to my vagina
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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