there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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